Kate beats the Tories in comparative parenting – the Jubilee Edition

Andrew Gunn is a Christchurch-based screenwriter and film and television columnist.

OPINION/SATIRE: The Platinum Jubilee weekend is over, the internet has voted, and the results are in: when it comes to controlling a surly egomaniac with the attention span and impulse control of a typical 4-year-old boy. , Catherine, Duchess of Cambridge, hands down the British Conservative Party.

The findings were compiled by Mumsnet, the UK-based internet forum that specializes in superficially judging others’ parenting skills.

Members of Mumsnet were asked to compare how, on the one hand, Kate has dealt with the raspberries and drawn faces of Prince Louis and, on the other, how the Conservative Party has dealt with Boris’ well-documented pattern of narcissistic lying Johnson, breaking the rules, hypocrisy and treating the British public like fools.

Their responses were overwhelmingly in favor of the Duchess.

READ MORE:
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* UK leader’s office apologizes for party ahead of Prince Philip’s funeral

“You have to give it to Kate,” Shona of Dorking posted. “With all those lights and cameras and millions of people like me watching her every move, she still managed to set some boundaries for her little one. Not perfectly, of course. I would have slipped her a Werthers Original. Still , I give it three and a half stars.

“But what did the Conservative Party do about his unkempt, disheveled terror? They got together and talked about their feelings. And at the end? Absolutely nothing. He didn’t even get a slap on the wrist with a wet bus ticket.

Prince Louis presents a performance for his mother Kate Middleton at the Queen's Platinum Pageant.

Getty Images

Prince Louis presents a performance for his mother Kate Middleton at the Queen’s Platinum Pageant.

“You can tell just by looking at Boris Johnson that he hasn’t faced a single consequence in his life, and it looks like he never will. There’s your modern day parenting failure right there.

Mumsnet readers also rated Kate’s distraction techniques favorably to distract Louis from the devil, in contrast to the Conservative Party’s complete lack of similar skills compared to Johnson.

“During the carriage ride to Buckingham Palace, Kate kept little Louis busy chatting with him and pointing out the Union Jacks in the crowd,” Upper Goosebottom’s Isabella noted. “It wasn’t original, but it worked pretty well.

“What a shame the Conservative Party could not act in the same way to divert Boris Johnson from the reins of power. Maybe with a pole dance. Or a vat of Cheval Blanc 1947 St-Emilion. Or both. Instead, when he declared his intention to carry on as he always had, they knocked their desks in approval. Something, I might add, that would not be tolerated in any respectable prep school I would consider sending my children to.

Andrew Gunn:

Alden Williams / Stuff

Andrew Gunn: ‘You can tell just by looking at Boris Johnson that he hasn’t faced a single consequence in his life, and it looks like he never will.’

“This spoiled brat wrapped them around his little finger.”

At press time, Prince Louis is cuddled up in bed with the remains of a marmalade sandwich found in his great-grandmother’s purse, Boris Johnson is asleep in a Downing Street bathtub with a lampshade on his head after a “work event” to mark his victory in the vote of confidence, and Prince William wonders why no one ever judges his parenting skills.

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